connect - (conclusion)

Addy Rants and Sweat Pants

Shit.

All throughout my childhood I would wear a coat with quills protruding from the seams. My mind tricked itself into thinking they were soft down feathers like that of a young bird. This coat grew heavier and heavier as I grew older and seemed to meld to my skin. I've left my nest and started my own, now. But, this coat is stubborn. It blinded me from truth and all I want to do is shrug it off of my body, look at it with new eyes, and then pick the remnants off my flesh and be rid of it. Leaving home, graduating, living my own life and supporting myself, does that make me an adult? I can't seem to shrug off my childhood. Sometimes I can't find myself. Who am I, really? Will I ever overcome the faults that cling to my coat like sticky juice and popped Gushers? I'd like to think so, with time and understanding.
I'm afraid of myself sometimes. I understand now how "feral" I am. How much of an animal I was raised to be. Fight or Flight, and boy do I fight like an animal; when cornered/trapped I do my worst. Thanks to my abusive upbringing, especially to the faggot that made me this way. Fucker.
Homicidal thoughts cross my mind from time to time. I see visions of red. Lots of red. And cynical smiles from lips like mine. I see hands, like mine, tearing and ripping. -Going to the range frightens me. I'm afraid of the power I have there. At any moment I could blow my brains out and anyone else there for that matter, instead I aim for the target and kill certain people in my mind. Bam, Bam, Bam, Bam. Fuck you, you, you and you. I'm always last of course.- I'll admit, and it's probably a bit obvious with all these posts, I'm fucked in the head. But who isn't, really? I'm just scared that if I were to ever be put in a hostile situation I might kill someone. Would I love it? Would I cringe? Or is this just all bark and no bite? Who knows. Maybe I just need to do some kickboxing-sparring shit or something. This post seems to be a bit more personal but maybe it's because I need an outlet. Not like I'm seeing a therapist anymore, not that I ever would again for that matter. My body is changing and filling out, does that make me an adult? No confidence, a loathing for myself I can't shake and guilt rattles my brains everyday.

Community college fucking sucks. I see so many former high school peers and it sickens me. I want to leave this place where I practically grew up. A place without memories, without predispositions, without anything but a new life and a new beginning to my adult life.