Addy Rants and Sweat Pants

I've decided to pull an "all-nighter". Doc's got me on addys so it's not like I really can go to sleep right now anyway unless I take an inhale of some green leafy shit I found in the field. Yeah, I just may have quoted Devin the Dude. Fuck it. Well, I finally have a fucking car (don't have a license though *facepalm*). No more walking and biking to and from work/college. Thanks to my father, who seems to be the only person in my family trying to help me. (side note: The idea of everyone from my past that I want to forget, seeing me as I walk/bike past is rather discomforting.) I've been getting more and more depressed. I feel as if I can not have fun anymore, and sometimes, I just want to be alone. Maybe it's because I live in a small studio apartment with another person. I hope so. Speaking of him, he's passed out on the floor snoring. Wonder if I should wake him up. He's been having a lot of nightmares lately. Most likely due to me...I cheated on him twice. I won't go into reasons unless personally asked by a "reader", honestly doubt I have one of those though. But, I've had time to think. Expand my mind. And understand myself, flaws, and past as well as present actions I've committed. Not only is this guilt weighing me down but I feel...what is it?.....spite, frustration, vacancy. Maybe all three, but I feel as if I need closure and for some reason I feel that the other people I want to talk or write to want it as well. There's my dilemma. Should I just leave it be? Meditate, talk about it with my fiance on the floor, and try to get over it? I want closure with my mother and older sister. I want closure with the two people of which I spoke of earlier that I had an affair with. But do THEY want it? Or am I just being selfish? ----My once close bond with my sister is breaking. Or at least I thought it was a close bond. She has a 1 and a half year old daughter and another baby girl on the way. I'm crazy about my niece. But I never really get to see her or have her over at my house for whatever reason my sister has developed in her mind.  I feel a different love for her than for anyone else. It's a bit maternal but also kind of like a...a friend? That might seem silly seeing as she can't really speak coherently yet. When I watched her for the second and last time, we took a bath together- which for some reason she's terrified of the bath- and I got her to calm down by putting a warm wash cloth on her back and singing to her. My maternal instincts or hormones shot up pretty high as she laid her little head on my chest. It saddens me though...my sister has chosen to stay with and be controlled by her "baby daddy", who is a terrible father and I know that if she stays with him it'll be similar to what happened with me and my mother- You're gonna fuck them up in the head, sis. She won't read this though, even if she did it'd go right over her head like a 10 ft tall wave- except she's got on a waterproof suit and anchors of arrogance and stubbornness so she doesn't get swept away and realize her faults. I can't help but envy her in terms of the love, or whatever you wish to call it, my mother showered her with instead of me. I'll leave it at that for now. 
But, it's not over yet, folks! :D I guess I'll talk about some nonsensical bullshit for awhile. I don't really have any friends, so all I can do is pretend that somehow these blog posts are my friends (and my lovely of course). So, apparently I didn't really realize it but I have a bit of "ADD" (hence the adderall). I don't really believe it is a "disorder". I think the cause of ADD is simply that the person did not receive enough attention/stimulation as a child so as they developed, their brain chemistry changed, so that if whatever they're needing to focus on isn't stimulating their brain enough, they just won't be able to concentrate on it because of a chemical embalance. DING DING DING! Aaaaaaaaand who's fault is that? You guessed it! Parents, guardians, etc. I hate how much I've been fucked over and it's made me more cynical. I talk to myself a lot more now. Especially outside by myself, even though I know other people can probably see me. What's odd about it though is that I used to be embarrassed of that sort of thing. I'm bitchier. Maybe because I'm on my period. Doubt it. Probably because I'm tired of being shit on and quite frankly, I'm done with it. -subject change- Adderall is just like cocaine. I can focus like a boss, it suppresses my appetite, (which sucks because I'm already not eating enough. I'm 120 now, which is nice I guess but I'd rather it be out of healthy eating habits instead of starving myself) and it can make me talkative as FUCK. Like now. And when I mix it with lovely green it gives me a silly high where I can just bust out with some trip ass raps, that I can never remember when I'm sober. I want to rap. But in a different way. Something totally new. Mainly because I don't really have a "rapper's" voice, more of a sing-song indie voice. Been listening to Tyler the Creator and Earl Sweatshirt a lot. At first I was embarrassed for liking Tyler because of all the female degradation- which is totally fine but you wouldn't want to eat pb&j your whole life, would you? I understand Tyler more and listen to him a lot more now and I'm able to recognize his brilliance as well as Earl's. It's incredible how much I feel that I can relate to both of them, mainly Tyler. He's an amazing producer, lyricist, and rapper. He intimidates me and because of my already low confidence I can't seem to really write anymore, well lyrics, poems, and fiction stories. I've also just been really busy lately. -They should just make cocaine legal. I'd rather have that than Adderall. One- it's healthier for you (it's all natural and if it's legal I doubt it'd get cut as much). Two- it's healthier for you. Shut up stupid Society and your propaganda! My maturity doesn't match my age; I think that's why it's so hard for me to make friends, especially now (along with other reasons o' course). I work at McDonald's and a lot of the young adults that work there that are older than me act like immature high school kids. I feel older than them but of course the older workers see me as one of them so they don't treat me as an equal either. So I'm stuck between immature teenagers and grumpy older people set in their ways. I can't see how people can eat the food there. It's so disgusting. I've been having the shits all day because I had to eat employee meals for the past 3 days. Bleh. No more of that please. 
I realized awhile back , with the help of discussing it with my fiance, that I have sexual anxiety. Almost every sexual encounter I've had has made me feel anxious and pressured, mainly due to past "partners" that weren't so understanding or selfless. For awhile I thought something was wrong with me- A lot of the time when I would have sex it would really burn afterwards or during, even with lube, but (with some help) I've realized that it's all caused by my anxiety; it causes my muscles to tighten up which causes friction burn sometimes and it generally just fucking hurts like shit and it's embarrassing. (By the way, queefing is also very embarrassing). I've been trying to get better at it. Like relaxing and trying to focus on the sex instead of thinking about bad shit I've done and other random dumb stuff. Haven't had sex in awhile...okay like a week and a half maybe. I just don't really know what arouses me anymore, I think it's also the guilt, and the fact that both of us are busy a lot now. I want to leave this place behind. I know you can't run from your problems but I think if I get away from here physically, I can get over my problems a lot easier, faster, and less stressful. I'm so glad we have a car now. I finally feel more independent. (-Hey K. *Yeah? -Need to get that basket of clothes from your mom's before you claim your independence  Lawls, get it? *Yeah, yeah because I'm in a history class and yeah I know. I just really don't want to see that judgmental negligent face.) "Now that we're on the subject, could we change the subject now?" (< modest mouse) I have a cat, Pollock (I call him Po for short sometimes; he's named after 2 different people. Pollock, from the artist Jackson Pollock, and Po from the poet Edgar Allen Poe) and he is going to be 2 coming up this March. I've noticed quite a few changes in him. He gets a lot more cuddly now than he used to. I've been training him to use the toilet for almost over a year now but it just sucks because he's got the pissing down but when it comes to pooping- he's confused as fuck. Probably from his natural instinct to want to cover it up or maybe he just doesn't like the back-splash (who can blame him). I'm not sure, but I am looking forward to starting that vet tech class, I'd also like to look into and educate myself on CAT behaviour and I guess a bit more on dog behaviour as well, although I feel pretty damn confident about that. I've never really studied cats in those terms before. Just as I was typing this, Po decided he'd shit in the bath tub, so I'm going to go ahead and say that it's the back-splash from the toilet that's deterring him. Maybe I can google some shit on how to lower the water level in the commode. One and a half more hours until my history class starts and this will be the first day ever that I won't be biking there. Don't get me wrong, there's nothing wrong with bikes. Only when you're riding AGAINST the wind or when it's cold as fuck and raining all over you or when you're just so fucking physically and mentally weak. -side note: said something to my dad I thought I'd never say to him. Dad: You know God loves you. Me: FUCK GOD!- Haaaaaa. Maybe not so much of an achievement but I'm tired of my dad having some stupid hope that I'll be a christian again. Nope, mister, sorry. Guess I'll get ready for school as I do this. It would be cool if humans didn't need to sleep...or eat for that matter. There's 4+ hours of shit I could be doing instead of sleeping. Sleeping while you're awake. That would be nice. It seems like I can't get upset without breaking something, hurting myself, or screaming anymore. I think I'm at the very tippy top of my stress level because last summer I felt a lot calmer and reserved- I also wasn't going to school or working then so doop derp de-doop. I smoked with my dealer the other day. He is pretty cool and not like most dealers. He's very personal and friendly. -He better be after the scale we gave him and the Devin the Dude CD's we've burned for him. :) But yeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaahhh. Shaved my legs for the first time in like a month. It's gonna be so much fucking colder now but I love that smooth leg feel. I wish I could have them like that all the time. I've decided not to really give a fuck about my underarms. In Europe it's natural! Maybe a trimming or something here and there but it's not like they're my pubes or something. Even though they kind of are. Just as long as my fiance is okay with it, then it's all "Gucci". I really hate "gender roles". It's just a bunch of stress and expectations that Society (run by a bunch of old dumb fucks apparently that aren't open minded and can't change their "traditions and values") places on individuals according to their sex, but it doesn't really stop at that does it now? No. We're still aggressively sexist, racist (ha, almost typed rapist), borderline nationalist/patriotic, feminist, religious, etc. It's ridiculous. EVERYBODY, WE ARE ALL THE SAME. WE ARE ALL ONE. Is it so difficult to understand? I have such little hope for humanity if things keep going the way they're going. I miss my tape recorder. I used to carry it around with me all the time (especially during my senior yr of high school) and just record thoughts, make up songs, etc. I guess I should start carrying it around more. I love that thing. It's very useful if you're entering into a "sketchy" situation and might want to record what's going on and shit for evidence or just to look back on...like my recent ridiculous argument with my older sister. But either way, it's useful. And I don't look so crazy talking to myself, because I could just hold it like a phone. I know I'm rambling. But it's the adderall. And the lack of communication with anyone but myself and my fiance so suck it. I try to be friends with his friends but it's hard. They only see me as his "girl", it's annoying. I'm too much of a "guy" to be treated like a "girl" by other dudes. Hypocrite? No, I'm simply just stating gender stereotypes that are obviously in affect. I hate this uterus. I don't even want you, you cause me too much hassle and pain! And I'm not even using you at the moment, couldn't you just lay off until/if I even decide to conceive children! Graaaagh! Well, off to class- well off to prodding my fiance awake to take me to class. 

Confession: I used to suck my thumb with a "blankie" ever since I was little, and I still do to this day.