connect - (conclusion)

I didn't believe a word. Not one, until the proof was slapped down in front of me. I realized, afterwards, that that was the first time someone I knew died that I actually felt emotionally towards even if we weren't the closest people in the world, in fact it was the first time I ever knew someone who had been murdered. When I first heard, the world was surreal and fake. It couldn't be true. How could it? I felt myself trying to reach out with my mind. To feel a connection with him. I tried to imagine the warmth life-filled energy that comes with every live mammal. I grasped, but didn't really know what I was quite looking for. I finally accepted the truth when I heard it from his family and when they posted a story about it in the local newspaper. The day I accepted the fact, it seemed like all of his family's emotions were hitting me like a wave. I grieved for one day. That was it.. I can't think about him too much or I'll dive into a bad place and I hate the pounding headaches I get behind my eyes from mourning. I feel selfish. -get over yourself. you need to talk to Her. to you. to your inner child. just meditate with the calcite or some shit and get it over with. shit.- But, I thought to myself. Maybe, if I meditate and get better at it and improve myself, I'll be able to see him again. Find him, wherever he is. Have a laugh, joke about the blank cd's he always promised to bring over but always forgot...-stop.-   I don't know what I believe in, but I do have an open mind and am ready to believe just about anything, but that doesn't mean I'm not a skeptic. I've been 'reading' into chakras- even bought some crystals to meditate with. It's hard to meditate sometimes though, a clear mind is hard to achieve when you have thoughts rushing around pretty much 24-7. But sometimes I can achieve it, and when I do it feels so relieving. I've thought over the things I put in my last post, and I've decided that maybe it would be best to not go through with this 'closure' thing. I tried having a talk with my mother but it just felt unsuccessful and useless with a false aire of success. Fake. She's always fake. That means you're fake. You're the chicken she's the farmer whatever she feeds you, you shit out, now dont you? But she's not feeding me anymore which is ironic because she didn't even fucking do that much. Just spiteful. She's playing with my emotions of my mother because She doesn't think it's fair. I don't either, but I can't let her win. I can't get away with shit like that now that I'm older and trying to improve myself. She's subdued, for now. That's why I need to talk to Her. And....Him? I think He was just a manifestation of my guilt. I don't feel Him in my head like I do Her. He felt external and was only with me in the bad times for less than 2 years. But She, She's been around since I was 8. Through bad and good. Mostly bad, especially when I got older. I was letting her take control and she was tossing everything to shit. My mind was deteriorating. I could feel it. What's real anymore? I remember asking myself that so many times. I'd hear whispers. Sounds amplified times 20. Beads falling down onto themselves was deafening. Who's talking? What is that? Is that actually physically there or am I just imagining it? I can feel it. But I can't blame it all entirely on Her. When I remember that time in my life I do feel a bit better a guess because I'm not really falling hopelessly down insanity lane like I was during that 'era'. I know that I'm pretty damn close to the edge. I think the only thing really that keeps me here is my fiance. But back to what I was saying before- I don't really think talking is a good idea. Honestly I don't know what I'm expecting or looking for. Besides, I think I've said everything that needs to be said. When it comes to my family, it will just be a matter of time and if they even realize/understand what the fuck I'm trying to say. When it comes to the other people I mentioned in le previous post..- it just isn't a good idea. It would only lead to a pain in my chest that I would hate admitting to feeling. It's confusing. -talk to Her. talk to me.- I know I will, when I know how. Besides, they already know. or should already know that I'm more than sorry for pain I caused. I understand how I played with them like puppets without even realizing it. -they don't understand you. they just think you're a cold hearted birch- I'd rather be an Oak, or a Spruce..or a Willow tree maybe. I guess birch is fine too. I was a child clinging on to comfort. I was only thinking of myself and what I thought I needed to survive mentally and was just acting on pure feeling and emotion. I never really thought about anything. If and when I would, it would make me look deeper into my actions and subconsciously I avoided it the best I could. And I'm sorry for taking what I shouldn't have. I invaded, maybe in the end I made some kind of 'good' impression when thought of years afterwards, but shit I really don't need to be thinking about or expecting anything out of that. I also know that it would be detrimental to the relationship I'm trying to mend now. If I think of it the other way around, I wouldn't want him looking for 'closure' with the people he had an affair with. I'll probably be ending this particular blog as well. There's nothing here for me anymore. And I saw what you wrote. You, you know who you are. I guess I'm glad that you've realized that (Mar. 15). I hope the same for the latter, although he might have achieved that epiphany a long time ago. I want to be forgotten but somehow in a way thought back of in happiness. That. just sounds. really fucked up, and kind of conceited holy shit. I don't know me anymore. I need to find me. Talk to her. Be happy. So much death, sadness, pain. Times up. I don't feel the need to say anything else. To be honest all these posts are so god damn ambiguous because of my insecurities yet i want people to understand me? makes no sense. They also are all pretty fucking repetitive, if yah ask me. But I give out some pretty harsh self-criticism, so make your own opinion. Maybe I'll start up another blog someday, probably when I get the fuck out of here so I can stop writing about how much I want to get the fuck out of here, also after I lose a lot of this, this whatever it is. Uncertainty and whatnot.

P.S. I really want to achieve astral projection. I've had friends who've done it on accident, but I've never had a dream/experience like that before in my life.